Colorado Supreme Court
Office of Attorney Regulation Counsel
Promoting Professionalism. Protecting the Public.
How to Balance Professionalism and Being Human
By SARAH MYERS,
JD, LMFT, LAC
Clinical Director, Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program
“Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.” ~Margaret J. Wheatley
“Professional is not a label you give yourself – it’s a description you hope others will apply to you.” ~David Maister
Mahatma Gandhi (lawyer and civil rights activist) observed:
Your
beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words
become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your
values, and your values become your destiny.
Gandhi’s point, in part, is that our perspective and beliefs directly impact
how we behave and how we treat those around us. Our beliefs about professionalism,
and how a lawyer should behave, impacts our choices, our words, our behaviors,
and how we come across to others. The term professionalism is a subjective
concept. We have definitions for it, “know it when we see it,” and recognize
when someone is being unprofessional. But where is the intersection of being
professional, where we are supposed to behave civilly and competently at all
times, and being a human being who has needs such as self-expression? And how
does our concept of professionalism hold up in the face of chronically
stressed, anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed attorneys? Part of
professionalism is balancing our professional identity with our personal lives.
As a profession, we haven’t historically been very successful at balancing our
“work life/identity” with our “personal life/identity.” Metaphorically, we
don’t balance the right (creativity, imagination, intuition, rhythm, and
feeling) and left (logic, analysis, language, facts, and thinking in words)
hemispheres of our brains very well. As a human being, our bodies have basic
needs (such as movement, water, food, sleep, physical contact with others) and
our minds also have basic needs (to feel significant, to connect with others, to
contribute to society, to learn and grow, etc.) Our professional requirements,
however, often contradict our basic human needs.
In general, lawyers work inhumane hours (or spend time worrying when we don’t
have enough clients), endure unhealthy amounts of stress, neglect to take time
off when it’s needed, have much higher rates of substance abuse, anxiety, and
depression than the public (yet are more resistant to counseling, psychology or
self-reflection than the public), and don’t get enough sleep. Many lawyers put
tremendous pressure on themselves to be “perfect,” have huge student loans to
pay off, and deal with difficult and traumatized people on a daily basis. And,
while facing all of these issues, we attempt to avoid looking weak (ie. human)
at all costs while trying to engage in healthy, successful personal
relationships, raise children, and take care of aging parents. As the saying goes,
“something’s gotta give.”
For some of us, our personal lives suffer because we cross-examine our family
or friends (or argue with everything they say in an effort to “educate” them,
one-up them, or have the last word) or try to solve all of their problems because
that’s what we’ve been doing all day long. Our relationships can also suffer
because we continue working even after we get home or on weekends, or we feel
the need to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol to dissociate and become numb
to the stress we are under. Our professional life might suffer because we are
distracted during the day about what’s going on in our personal lives. Under
those conditions, being a healthy human and acting in a professional manor become
difficult. We might become angry, over-reactive, belligerent, anxious, and
basically incapable of maturely expressing our emotions at work. Or maybe we
can “hold it together” at work, but we are irritable with loved ones at home,
or we become distant from them and stop expressing our emotions around them. This
is how we end up with the stereotypes of lawyers portrayed in the media as
either unfeeling robots whose dialogue is a series of contrary arguments, or as
counselors who are so passionate about their client’s case (or cause) they have
anger or stress management problems. Rather than living the stereotype, we can
do better at balancing our professionalism with being a thriving human. Here
are some tips:
1. SLOW DOWN: Slowing down your
breathing, thoughts, speech, and movements helps reverse the stress response
and allows you to be more mindful and aware.
2. Get out of your
head:
Anxiety is high amongst attorneys because we spend so much time thinking about
every side to an argument, trying to anticipate the future, trying to problem
solve issues that aren’t happening in the moment, or agonizing about whether we
wrote the best motion or brief. When you find that mental “gerbil wheel” is
going full speed, and you become irritable or upset by your thoughts, use your
senses to get out of your head. What do you see, hear, smell, feel, taste?
Who or what is around you? Take time to appreciate your surroundings.
3. Improve
communication with others: Maya Angelou said, “People
will forget the things you do, and people will forget the things you say. But
people will never forget how you made them feel.” While communication is the
bread-and-butter for all attorneys, and we have all spent countless hours
communicating through the written word, not many of us were trained or educated
about the importance of non-verbal communication. For example, our tone of
voice, facial expressions, gestures, and eye contact communicate more to the
people we are speaking to than the words we choose. Since these non-verbal
cues are mostly reflexive and unconscious, the way we are feeling often come
across to the other people whether we want it to or not. Consider how to you speak
to clients, colleagues, opposing counsel, judges, friends, and family. Part of
being professional is to metaphorically “set aside” irritability, anxiety,
depression, anger, and stress so we can be aware of those around us and how
they are doing. Take time to ask the people around you not only how they are
doing, but listen to what they are saying and perceive what they mean (through
their non-verbal cues). And, when the time is appropriate, find resources to
help with your irritability, anxiety, etc., to address these issues so they
don’t impact your personal and professional relationships.
4. Respond to
unprofessional behavior professionally: When people are behaving
unprofessionally, don’t sink to their level, and don’t take it personally. You
know you are taking it personally when you react to it. Instead, remember that
that person is basically showing you that they are suffering, and that they are
unable to control their own emotional states, or they are unable to communicate
like a “normal” human being because they have been stressed or felt inadequate
for a long time.
5. Self-care: We all know how
to take care of ourselves. Eat well, drink enough water, move around
throughout the day, smile more, listen to music that boosts our mood, develop
hobbies, socialize with people we trust and have a good time with, consume
alcohol in moderation, etc. So why are there millions of books on the topic?
It’s because we don’t actually do what is good for us. When we are stressed,
or if we have never been taught otherwise, we tend to self-sabotage rather than
taking care of ourselves. Sometimes the environment we are in doesn’t support
self-care, so we might have to make an extra effort to take care of ourselves
and set boundaries so this is possible. Taking care of yourself is integral to
professionalism. After all, most unprofessional behavior can be traced to
chronic lack of self-care and unmet needs.
Taking time for self-care is preventative care and risk management. When we
are cognitively, physically, and emotionally healthy, the chances of being
unprofessional diminish drastically, which allows us to be the civil and
competent attorneys we should be. So take the time to take care of you!
Sarah Myers, JD, LMFT, LAC, is the Clinical Director for the Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program. Your Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program provides free and confidential services for judges, lawyers, and law students. If you need resources for ANY issue that is compromising your ability to be a productive member of the legal community (including your personal relationships), or if there is someone you are concerned about, contact COLAP at (303) 986-3345. For more information about COLAP, please visit www.coloradolap.org.