Colorado Supreme Court
Office of Attorney Regulation Counsel
Promoting Professionalism. Protecting the Public.
How to Deal with a Perfectionist
In a New York minute, everything can
change…
In a New York minute, things can get a
little strange…
In a New York minute, you can get out of
the rain. ~Don Henley
Everyone has some version of
perfectionism, and lawyers are no exception.
The practice of law is full of different types of perfectionistic
tendencies; some are helpful and some are harmful. When we set unreasonable expectations for
ourselves or those around us, we are often “let down.” Trying for a standard of perfection in an
imperfect world is a set up for depression, anxiety, and relationship problems.
We feel uncomfortable around
perfectionists because they create an environment where we are “walking on
broken glass;” we do not know from one minute to the next how to please them,
or their standards are impossible for us to attain. Your
Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program has suggestions for how to handle
perfectionistic tendencies in healthy ways to improve your wellbeing and your
relationships.
By SARAH MYERS, JD, LMFT, LAC
Clinical Director, Colorado Lawyer
Assistance Program
Fall
2015
Every
one of us has come across a perfectionist:
we were raised by one, we married one, we work for one, we’re friends
with one, opposing counsel was one, etc; in fact, in the practice of law, the odds are
pretty high that we are one. For those
who don’t identify with type-A perfectionism, remember that some tendencies are
actually perfectionism in disguise; perfectionism is often the cause of
procrastination because of a fear of failure or judgment if we do not meet
others’ standards. Practicing law
requires a special set of skills, including: tier level thinking (like playing
chess); being skeptical and critical; being independent/
disciplined/hardworking; having constant deadlines; having a “tough skin;” and
being a perfectionist. The practice of
law is a highly detail-oriented profession with high stakes, and that lends
itself to the need for perfectionism.
Many of us entered law school with a “healthy” amount of type-A
tendencies, but all who survived the process came out with the ability to switch
into type-A, perfectionistic “mode” at the drop of a hat. These tendencies made us successful in the
competitive, adversarial practice of law.
The problem, as research points out, is that these tendencies do not
make for successful interpersonal relationships or even personal well-being and
happiness.
Perfectionistic
tendencies stem from negative life experiences, such as fear, abuse, neglect,
and narcissism. Maybe we were raised in
a family where we were only allowed to express certain emotions, or we only
received validation if we had straight-A’s or were the star athlete, or the
external presentation of the family (the house, how we dressed, etc.) was
perfect for the world to see but what went on inside the home was chaotic and
traumatizing. Or, sometimes, the
children were somehow responsible for the wellbeing of the parents. This is called the parentified
child. Maybe the parent(s) suffered from
mental illness such as depression, substance abuse, were having financial
difficulties, or fought often. The child
learns that in order to get love and attention from parents who are
self-absorbed or preoccupied, the child must “be” a certain way. The child learns to comfort and sooth him or
herself by setting expectations and then trying to live up to those
expectations. This need drives the
child to scrutinize and criticize the environment, other people, and
situations; then compare the results to the expected standard of
“perfection.” These tendencies strategically distract the
child from feeling isolated, invisible, unloved, or not good enough.
In
adulthood, perfectionism becomes an attempt to control the world around and
within us; but we really know that isn’t possible, so it is actually perceived
by others as a weakness even though it’s an attempt at strength. It takes courage to accept the imperfect
world that we live in. However, when the
unpredictability of the imperfection frightens us, or we believe that things
have to be a certain way in order for us to be happy or content, we might try
certain tactics to make us feel better, such as being highly critical of
others; being eager to please; having a hard time opening up to people for fear
of rejection or abandonment; overreacting to situations; making sure everything
in the environment is spotless; obsessing over every little “mistake;” taking pleasure in other people’s failures;
focusing on whose “fault” something is; focusing on problems; feeling guilty or
shame often; being rigid, harsh, and
static; or engaging in “all-or-nothing” thinking.
Research
points to three types of perfectionism that you may recognize in yourself and/or
those around you. Self-oriented
perfectionists exhibit the stereotypical motivation to adhere to strict
standards while maintaining a strong motivation to attain perfection. This motivation causes a person to avoid
failure at all costs and to be self-critical in a way that leads to obsessiveness
(such as obsessive worrying), inefficiency or avoidance (procrastination to
avoid the failure or going slowly with projects to make sure they are perfect),
and victim/martyr mentality (I am the only one who cares about things being
“right” or “good enough”). These
individuals have a self-created, hypothetical idea about what is
right/best/great and will not accept any other option.
Other-oriented
perfectionists set unrealistic standards for significant others,
spouses/partners, co-workers, children, and friends/family. They then stringently criticize or judge the
performances of those around them. These
individuals are almost tyrannical in their judgment and expectation of others,
but never have the same expectations for themselves. If they make mistakes, they rationalize and
have excuses for their behavior; but they will never allow others to “get away”
with that same behavior. They project
their perfectionism to the people around them.
The old adage “do as I say, not as I do” applies to other-oriented
perfectionists. Finally, socially-prescribed
perfectionists believe that others hold unrealistic expectations for them that
they cannot live up to. They perceive a
pressure to be perfect, believing that others evaluate them critically. They feel shame when they do not adhere to
the standards they believe others have for them; therefore, rather than
believing “I did something wrong,” they believe “there must be something wrong
with me.” They strive to be flawless
because they believe that being perfect is important to other people.
Everyone
has some version of perfectionism, and it’s often a combination of the
three. As a culture, we reward
perfectionists for their persistence on setting high standards and for their
relentless drive to meet those standards.
Most perfectionists are high achievers, though some pay the price for
success with chronic unhappiness, dissatisfaction, depression, and
anxiety. Other perfectionists, however,
become chronic procrastinators and can’t seem to meet deadlines or get things
done because they are paralyzed by a fear of not being “good enough.” Either way, perfectionists have a desire to
be faultless and equate errors as personal defects that diminish self-worth or
the worth of others, and have a need for external validation, praise, and
constant feedback from others.
Researcher
Brené Brown explains the problem with perfectionism:
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels
this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can
avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” So what happens when we can’t reach the standard
of perfection we set for ourselves or others, and feelings of shame, judgment,
and blame take over? The negative
psychological ramifications of perfectionism are extreme, including the higher
risk of depression, anxiety, and suicide amongst those who are perfectionists. It is no coincidence that attorneys, practitioners
of a profession with high rates of perfectionism, also have high rates of
depression, anxiety, and suicide.
A
recent informal survey of States’ Lawyer Assistance Programs (LAPs) across the
country revealed that between November 2014 and May 2015, 20 LAPs reported a
total of 44 known attorney and judge suicides.
Colorado contributed to that
total number. It should be noted,
however, that some deaths identified as accidents may have been suicides, so
the rate could be higher than the survey revealed. Depression statistics from the American
Psychological Association show that lawyers are 3.6 times more likely to suffer
from depression than non-lawyers, and that depression is also a strong risk
factor for suicide. Because of the
mental health crisis going on in the legal community across the country, CNN
published an article written by Rosa Flores and Rose Marie Arce in January of
2014 titled “Why are lawyers killing themselves?” Not surprisingly, the article points to high
levels of stress and depression as contributing factors.
How
can we take care of ourselves in a profession that fuels perfectionism, and in
a society that bombards us with specific standards for “happiness” (beauty,
weight, money, etc.)? Two antidotes for
perfectionism are vulnerability and authenticity. In the legal profession, however, the idea of
being vulnerable is likened to appearing “weak;” and appearing as anything less
than “Superman/Superwoman” is taboo. But
being vulnerable does not mean weakness or submissiveness. Vulnerability implies having the courage to
be yourself, which means being authentic.
When we are fearful that others will not accept us, or when we are
attempting to achieve a certain goal that requires some acting, we behave inauthentically.
Interestingly enough, research shows we perceive inauthenticity on a
physiological level. When we are around
someone who is “fake,” our blood pressure increases and we feel uncomfortable. Ironically, when we behave inauthentically so that others will accept us, we end up
pushing them away. In addition, it takes
a lot of energy to suppress our ideas or our true personality, and to wear
different masks to please (or confront) those around us. It is an unnecessary drain on our energy that
can create depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety, and fatigue.
Striving
to do our best and setting goals for ourselves is gratifying and healthy. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is
“frustrating, neurotic, and a terrible waste of time” according to journalist
and news editor Edwin Bliss, who spent 25 years producing for the likes of
Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite. In
the legal profession, perfectionism is often prized, but it is
misunderstood. There really is no such
thing as perfection, and when we attempt to control ourselves or the
environment and the people in it, we do not make things perfect – we destroy
the potential for authentic communication, creativity, honesty, reality, humor,
understanding and compassion. Nothing
extinguishes laughter and joy faster than judgment, criticism, guilt, and
shame.
What
sort of situations bring out your personal brand of perfectionist? What type of people do you project your
perfectionist onto? Be honest with
yourself: do those traits serve you
well? Do they enhance your experience of
life? Do your controlling thoughts or
behaviors bring you closer to, or separate you, from those around you? These tendencies generally direct themselves
inward or outward as we become critical, controlling, or shaming towards those
around us or toward ourselves. There is
a difference between encouraging excellence and expecting perfection. When we encourage ourselves to do the best we
can, or we celebrate when those around us accomplish their goals, we are making
our own “world” better. However, when
we believe that people, situations, projects, or outcomes have to be a
“certain” way in order for us to be happy, we set ourselves (and those around
us) up for disappointment, depression, anxiety, and hurt. When accomplishments and efforts never seem
to be enough, we are focusing on failure rather than celebrating success.
When
you start engaging in your particular brand of critical, controlling, or
shaming behaviors, ask yourself: Is my
way of doing things the “only” way? Am I assuming that other people are being
critical when they probably aren’t? Am I
being unnecessarily hard on myself or others?
Is this thought causing me mental or emotional pain? Am I trying to do something for someone else
because I don’t trust that they can do it themselves? Am I overreacting to my own or someone else’s
decision, behavior, or comments?
If
you answered “yes” to any of the questions, take a deep breath and try the
following remedies:
Remember
that there is no such thing as perfection.
There is no right or wrong way to do something. If you, or someone else, makes a “mistake,”
it is an opportunity to learn – it is NOT the end of the world.
Remember
that life is a journey, not a destination.
Mind your own business, and let others walk their own road (don’t be
co-dependent). As attorneys, we are
involved in other people’s lives on a daily basis. But there is a difference between providing
legal counsel or advice when we are being paid and trying to be a problem
solver for everyone we come across (whether they ask for it or not).
Be
grateful for who you have become, and set reasonable goals for yourself. Do not punish yourself mentally or
emotionally if you don’t get things perfect along the way. Stand back and appreciate your efforts rather
than focusing on whether you have made it to your predetermined destination.
Don’t
compare yourself to others, and don’t compare others to you.
Keep
things in perspective.
The
pressure to be flawless is both internal (something we expect of ourselves) and
external (something that comes from those around us or from society in
general). The next time you find the
need to be hard on yourself or someone around you, remember that you are
actually showing that you don’t have the courage to handle living in an
imperfect world. And, when you come
across a perfectionist, remember that their need to control actually stems from
suffering and different types of traumatic experiences. Relax, and be kinder to yourself and to
others, including those perfectionists around you. It will not only improve your interpersonal
relationships, it will also improve your mental, emotional, and physical
health.
Sarah Myers, JD, LMFT, LAC, is the
Clinical Director for the Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program. Your Colorado
Lawyer Assistance Program provides free and confidential services for judges,
lawyers, and law students. If you need resources for ANY issue that is
compromising your ability to be a productive member of the legal community
(including your personal relationships), or if there is someone you are
concerned about, contact COLAP at (303) 986-3345 or toll free at
1-855-208-1168. For more information about COLAP, please visit www.coloradolap.org.