Colorado Supreme Court
Office of Attorney Regulation Counsel
Promoting Professionalism. Protecting the Public.
Bouncing Back from Tough Times
Resiliency is the ability to bounce
back from stressful, and even traumatic, situations. The Colorado Lawyer
Assistance Program can help you develop this very important survival strategy
so you can lead a happier and healthier life.
By SARAH MYERS
Winter 2014
In our last
article we discussed being addicted to stress. People develop a stress addiction
in order to cope with daily life. But, like most addictions, over time it
causes physical and mental illness and “disease.” In the long run, it is far
more beneficial to develop positive coping strategies. Ever wonder why some
people overcome difficult times relatively unscathed? How do they bounce back without
lasting psychological or emotional scars? The ability to recover from the
traumatic periods of life in a healthy, beneficial way is called resiliency.
In the field
of medicine, resilience is the body’s ability to recover its size and shape
after being stretched or compressed. In the field of psychology the concept of
resilience is an individual’s ability to cope with stress and adversity. Resilience
in evolutionary and ecological terms is the capacity of an ecosystem to respond
to a disturbance by resisting damage and recovering quickly. Common to all of
these is the concept of “bouncing back” and “staying power,” like the old adage
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” As we experience stress, much like
the environment, we have a compromised system. Over time this compromise can
devastate our inner environment, or immune system and psyche.
Viktor
Frankl, neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor wrote, “When we are
no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Individuals who psychologically make it through difficult situations in one
piece have the ability to dig deep within themselves for the resources to cope
and even thrive. Most of us “missed the memo” on what these resources are or
how to find them. Instead, we developed coping strategies such as addictions to
negative thoughts or emotions, and behaviors such as abusing alcohol or drugs. Rather
than using these “negative” addictions to help them cope, individuals who
exhibit resiliency have developed and practice “positive” addictions.
There are
many definitions for addiction, most of them relating to compulsive behavior
that continues despite negative or adverse consequences. These types of
definitions are narrow, limiting the concept of addiction to those “bad”
behaviors we have all heard about: overindulgence in drugs and alcohol,
compulsive and destructive use of the internet or watching pornography,
shopping, gambling, sex, etc. Scientists, doctors, and therapists in fields
such as neuroscience, education, mental health, and psychoneuroimmunology
believe that we should expand our definition of addiction. A broader definition
of addiction by neuroscientist Dr. Joe Dispenza is “something we cannot stop.”
Take a
moment and think about the last time you got upset. Were you angry? Did you
shout at other people or go on a ballistic mental tirade criticizing other
people? Did you go into “poor me” victim mentality where you blamed other
people for your emotional state? Whatever your response was, were you able to
stop it? Were you able to breathe and consider the situation from other
perspectives? Were you able to consciously decide how you would respond to the
situation, or did it feel like you were a cork in the ocean unable to control
the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that resulted?
It has been
obvious for centuries that we can become addicted to exogenous substances such
as drugs and alcohol. But what many people don’t know is that we can also become
addicted to endogenous substances such as neurotransmitters and other chemicals
released with our thoughts or that create our emotional states. If we
experience stress, anger, despair, and anxiety on a daily basis (and all of the
thoughts associated with those emotional states), the cells of our body
literally become addicted to them. Just like exogenous addictions, the cells of
the body will crave the chemicals they are used to receiving. So, even if there
is nothing going on around you to “make” you angry, if you are addicted to the
chemicals associated with anger, you will FIND something to get angry about. In
other words, you will make something up to get angry. Your thoughts will turn
angry so you can satisfy the craving of the cells of your body. You will
perceive the people around you as idiots or incompetent or threats so you can
get angry at them. You have made yourself the judge and jury of other people’s
choices, personalities, and behaviors just so you can feel a certain emotional
state because you are addicted to it.
If we are
essentially “addiction machines,” what can we do? One possibility is to
consciously decide to expand our cognitive and emotional “repertoire.” When you
find yourself reacting to situations in the same way you always have, step
back. Take a breath, and choose a different thought or a different way to
respond. Realize that ultimately we have the choice to feel any emotion at any
time. Start consciously deciding how you want to feel. Simply put, you begin to
develop positive addictions.
If negative
addictions are thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that continue despite negative
consequences, then positive addictions are thoughts, emotions, and behaviors
that perpetuate positive consequences. Some examples of positive addictions
include:
· Consciously having thoughts of
appreciation throughout the day;
· Giving people the benefit of the
doubt, rather than being critical of them;
· Practicing mindful awareness
throughout the day by noticing your thoughts, emotions, and surroundings;
· Questioning thoughts that cause
negative emotional states (why are you thinking something that is making you
suffer?);
· Focusing on solutions rather than
problems (avoid “analysis paralysis”);
· Movement exercises: walking, hiking,
dancing, swimming, etc.;
· Practicing a routine of healthy
eating;
· Engaging in relaxation techniques
such as mindful breathing;
· Becoming a kind and compassionate
person;
· Developing relationships with
nonjudgmental, supportive friends; and
· Slowing down and being fully present
(not distracted) when you are speaking with other people.
Life can be
challenging at times. It is a roller coaster for everyone, constantly changing
with ups and downs. The roller coaster can be exhilarating and exciting, or it
can be terrifying and nauseating. It all depends on your perspective. Developing
positive addictions will help you recover faster from the terrifying and
nauseating moments, and it will help you explore and enjoy the exciting moments
with much more appreciation.
How do we
develop positive addictions? Practice them. Daily. It’s not about trying to
undo the negative addictions. Instead, focus exclusively on the new thoughts,
the new emotions, and the new behaviors. Changing behaviors can take a long
time, especially after years of practicing the old patterns. But creating a new
behavior? A new thought? A new emotion? This can take place instantaneously,
and with practice become a part of who you are within just a few weeks.
When sudden,
unexpected situations arise, we will fall back on our old, negative coping
strategies if we have not practiced and developed new, positive addictions. If
we start thinking those negative thoughts again, the chemicals that are
released won’t feel good but they will feel familiar. It’s really about trying
to control how we feel when the rest of life seems out of our control and we
don’t know how to respond to the situation before us in a positive and mature
way.
The only constant
in life is change. We cannot control change, but we can control how we handle
it. If we use negative or destructive thoughts or behaviors to try to cope with
change, we are developing a fictional sense of control because all negative
addictions end up controlling us. Positive addictions, on the other hand, allow
us to be resilient in tough times so we feel empowered, rather than victimized,
by our lives.
Choose one
or two new positive addictions you would like to develop. Practice them for at
least a month and see for yourself how your resiliency increases!
Do you need help in developing
positive addictions or making a positive change? Your Colorado Lawyer
Assistance Program provides free and confidential services for judges, lawyers,
and law students. If you need resources for ANY issue that is compromising your
ability to be a productive member of the legal community, or if there is
someone you are concerned about, contact COLAP at (303) 986-3345 or toll free
at 1-855-208-1168. For more information about COLAP, please visit www.coloradolap.org.
Sarah Myers is the Clinical Director
for the Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program. She is a Licensed Marriage and
Family Therapist and a Colorado Licensed Addiction Counselor.