Colorado Supreme Court
Office of Attorney Regulation Counsel
Promoting Professionalism. Protecting the Public.
How
You Can Deal With Difficult Personalities
It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s
what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau
No profession is immune from difficult
personalities. In the practice of law, however, this phenomenon is abundant. Lawyers
and their clientele have increased odds of behaving and communicating in ways
that strain relationships, reduce work-place productivity, and diminish the
chance of amicably settling disputes. In addition, because of the stress and
pressure involved in the practice of law, chances are we will all become more difficult
and reactionary at some point in our career, whether that be with co-workers
and colleagues, or at home with friends and family. Understanding why we act
like children at one time or another is a crucial step in learning how to deal
with others who exhibit difficult personalities on a daily basis.
By SARAH MYERS
Winter 2015
In the
practice of law, the possibility is good that we will encounter difficult
personalities: The stakes are high, the adversarial process is a prized
component, days are long and stressful, competition is a norm, and
perfectionism is a goal. A judge or lawyer, whose career is fundamentally about
communication, must navigate waters full of difficult personality traits on a
daily basis in the form of colleagues, bosses, clients, opposing counsel, the
public, etc. We have all encountered difficult personalities. In fact, if we are
honest with ourselves, we all exhibit traits from time-to-time that put a kink
in interpersonal relationships, communication, and work-place productivity. No
one is perfect, and we all suffer from behaving or communicating in less-than-mature
ways when we are stressed, confused, or hurt. Sometimes these difficult traits escalate to a
pattern of behavior and pattern of thinking that can be diagnosed as
personality disorders. When we work or live with individuals who perpetually
exhibit these traits, it can take a toll on our emotional, mental, and even
physical well-being. Some of these traits include: aggression, cruelty, being a
know-it-all, neurotic indecisiveness, compulsive talking, perpetual gossiping, passive
aggressiveness, needing to be the center of attention, maliciously sabotaging
others, co-dependency, shaming, and the list goes on. We need to understand the
origins of these behaviors so we can respond in ways that are helpful, rather than
hurtful, when communicating with others who might exhibit these traits.
When we
experience intense feelings, whether they are positive or negative, a chain of events occurs within us that affects our behavior
and communication with those around us. We all grew up in environments where
certain emotions were allowed to be expressed, and certain emotions were not. In
some households, crying was not allowed but complaining from a victim mentality
was. In some households, a child was encouraged to speak proudly about his or
her accomplishments, while in others sharing accomplishments was a punishable
offense. How did the adults in your household punish or reward your behaviors
and emotional expressional? In what ways did those adults express themselves
when they felt intense emotions? Depending on our upbringing, we learned and
practiced certain methods of communication and expression.
As adults,
our ability to communicate with others often depends on our level of awareness
of how we respond to intense feelings within ourselves. In general, we build a
template of how we respond to our environment and the people in it. This
pattern is our personality. For example, some people react to feeling angry by
yelling or hitting others, throwing objects, or belittling those around them. Some
people react to feeling angry by suppressing the emotions and turning them
inward, leading to depression or self-sabotaging behaviors. Yet some people will
respond to feeling angry by taking a deep breath, taking a walk to process the
sensations of anger, and communicating appropriately (maturely, clearly) with others.
How we respond to a feeling, sensation,
or emotion is ultimately a choice that only we can make. But individuals who repeat
the same reaction to feeling certain sensations in the body (for example, blood
rushing their heads or butterflies in their belly) start behaving like robots. In
a way, they are no longer able to choose how to respond in a situation or
during an emotion because one part of their brain hijacks another. This
phenomenon usually takes place between the limbic system (which supports
functions such as emotions, long-term memory, and behavior) and the prefrontal
cortex (which supports executive functioning and decision-making discretion; it
is our filter).
In some
cases, the limbic system hijacks the prefrontal cortex, resulting in strong
emotions essentially paralyzing the ability to choose how to respond to the environment.
This results in behavior and thoughts
that are “over reactive” because the nervous system is signaling danger. These reactions
include acting aggressively (fight response), fleeing or avoiding (flight or
faint response), or racing, neurotic or paranoid thoughts (freeze response). Alternatively,
a person’s prefrontal cortex could hijack the limbic system. In that case, an
individual is unable to feel emotions because his or her logical, analytical
brain stops the emotional process. In essence, the person is unable to feel and express emotions. In that case, the nervous system is
also signaling danger, but the prefrontal cortex prevents the limbic system
from engaging at all.
If someone
has been practicing a certain reaction for years, maybe their entire life, it
essentially becomes an addiction. Thankfully, like addictions to exogenous
psychoactive substances such as alcohol, heroin, or marijuana, an addiction to
a certain behavioral reaction to emotions (i.e., personality traits) can
absolutely be overcome. This takes mindfulness, awareness, discipline, and
sometimes, outside assistance from friends, family, therapists, or other mental
health professionals. Sadly, the very nature of such behaviors and ways of
thinking often prevent the individuals who could benefit from mental health
assistance from getting it. So, what are
we to do in the meantime when we have to deal with these individuals and their
behavioral addictions that negatively impact us on a daily basis?
The first step is to recognize that this
individual is essentially paralyzed emotionally and behaviorally in a perpetual
child-like state. Examine their reaction to a situation as if they were a child
or adolescent. We assume that because
someone is of a certain age and has a certain level of education and worldly or
professional experience, they should behave in a certain way with a particular
level of maturity. However, that is simply not the case. Adults, especially
those who have traumatic or compromised pasts, such as being emotionally
neglected as children, are simply children in bigger bodies. Without learning
by experience how to be aware of their behaviors, they react to strong emotions
like they did when they were children. Dramatic, melodramatic, and passive aggressive
expressions are childlike traits. If an adult is exhibiting these traits, or experiencing
negative, neurotic thoughts on a regular basis, they are stuck in the past.
In certain
contexts, these traits are rewarded by our society. Narcissists, for example, are
so self-absorbed that they lack empathy for others around them and can become
angry if they are not the center of attention or do not receive enough
adulation or praise. These traits by definition make them narcissists, but also
allow them to control companies, a court room, a law firm, a legislature, a
country, the military, or even the stock market. Some will assert that these
traits make them better at their career, such as lawyers, surgeons, musicians,
actors, etc. If we reward difficult personality traits, or willfully ignore
them and therefore enable them, there is hardly an incentive for these
individuals to change. Hence our work, which is the second step, is to change our
reactions to their behavioral
addictions.
Often, naming
the elephant in the room is a helpful way to deal with awkward situations where
a person is exhibiting difficult personality traits. However, we obviously
can’t say to a judge “Your honor, I believe your limbic system is hijacking
your prefrontal cortex, and therefore, I would like you to reconsider that
ruling” or to a senior partner at your firm “You are overeacting
to this like a 3-year-old throwing a temper tantrum.” And, if you are in the
middle of a trial, it could potentially backfire for you to reach out to
opposing counsel and express your concern for their wellbeing if they are
clearly exhibiting mental health problems. The difficulty in the legal
profession is that we can logistically or perceptually become trapped by the
threat of retaliation if we speak honestly with those in power who are
exhibiting difficult personality traits. Therefore, it takes immense courage to
respond to the situation maturely, regardless of how the other person is
behaving. This is the essence of not taking something personally.
The third step is to literally take a
breath and metaphorically (if not physically) take a step back from the
interaction. If you can physically remove yourself from the situation, then
excuse yourself to go to the restroom or to get more tea, water, or coffee. Chances
are, when you return, the individual will be in a slightly different mood or
would have been distracted by something else and you will be out of the line of
fire enough to continue communicating with that individual. The worst thing you
can do is poke the bear. Sinking to their level, and getting your nervous
system activated (with fight/flight/freeze/faint responses) will only make
things worse. Stay calm, and speak your mind as clearly as you can without
blaming, criticizing, judging, belittling, or attacking the other person. Just
because they are acting like a child, doesn’t mean you have to join them in
their sand box mentality.
For more
examples of how you can handle specific styles of difficult personalities,
click on the links below:
http://theconsultingteam.com/seven-difficult-personality-types-and-how-to-deal-with-them/
Sarah Myers, LMFT, LAC, is the Clinical Director for the Colorado Lawyer
Assistance Program. Your Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program provides free and
confidential services for judges, lawyers, and law students. If you need
resources for ANY issue that is compromising your ability to be a productive
member of the legal community (including your personal relationships), or if
there is someone you are concerned about, contact COLAP at (303) 986-3345 or
toll free at 1-855-208-1168. For more information about COLAP, please visit www.coloradolap.org.